Death and Dying

Losing my dad has been one of the most painful experiences in my life. I remember during the end of March and the early days of April 2020 crying in the middle of the night begging for my dad to come back. But, there wasn’t a voice. All I could do was remember hearing his voice as he spoke to me since the day I was born. I would wake up in the morning having flashbacks of the night he died. I would pull out my phone in bed and look at my dad’s pictures. How could this happen, I asked myself. The final hours, I could tell that he was holding on, but he could no longer speak. We would whisper in his ear and he would raise up and quickly drift back down into the hospital bed. It was during those moments, that I learned about the process of death. I could be in my room looking at the walls and suddenly drift back there and cry. I just want to get to a place where I feel safe again. How does one feel safe in the middle of a pandemic?
Without knowing what to do or where to go, I let things go. Bills don’t get paid, my teeth rotten, and my bedroom overflows with garbage. How did I get here? When I look around myself I feel bad. I let myself go, and I don’t know how to get back.

How did I get here?

My bills are late, my teeth are falling out, and garbage is piling up all around my bedroom. “I’ve let myself go.” Shame is the initial feeling you get when you know that you are in a dark place.

There are some dark places you don’t want to go in life, but sometimes it is inevitable. No one asks for bad circumstances, mental illness, sickness, or addiction. But, life will take you down some roads. Sometimes, we willingly go down roads that aren’t healthy for us. It’s not my place to say why or judge. I just know that life can be painful while we have good intentions, we fall. Failure is ok and it happens.

You can ask anyone who’s ever been in a dark place long enough, and they will tell you that they never wanted to end up there. Without proper support and resources, you can get stuck there.

For almost a year, my dark place has been grief. On my life journey, there have been many disappointments, but I don’t think anything could have prepared me for the painful experience of losing my dad. Grief is not the common cold, it’s not an one day incident, or a season. It’s a lifelong journey. Grief doesn’t just start at the funeral. Sometimes, it’s months before the person has said their last words.

My dad didn’t suddenly die, but he went through a 17 year long battle with cancer. There were many ups and downs throughout the years along with 3 stem cell transplants. But, the months, leading up to his death, January 26, 2020 were some of the most painful and anxiety ridden days of my life. I wasn’t the one dying from cancer, but it was painful to see my dad grow weak, slip away, then die.

Many times when a loved one gets ill or stricken with cancer, the disease takes over their entire body. You grieve because you remember the life they lived before that and you think about how it’s unfair that they have to go through so much pain.

At one point it nearly drove me to tears to see that my dad no longer had an appetite and couldn’t hold a spoon in his hands. He couldn’t stand on his own and it was as if the constant tests at the hospital were draining what little strength he had left.

I write about these experiences because I must process them. I know people say to only think about the “good times,” but I would like to work through my pain instead of avoiding it at this point in my life. You avoid pain for too long and it can hurt you. Witnessing the stages of death was traumatizing for me. But, I’m realizing more each day that I need to work through it in order to make peace with it.

breaking through the negative


I want to get to a place in life where I can go to work and be able to have the strength to get through the obstacles I encounter.  I get so overwhelmed, jealous, and anxious at my job. I believe the problem is me. I’ve been taking a hard look at myself. It wasn’t until yesterday night that I realized that I have the power to change how I feel, but I must show myself compassion. I can take steps to end the negativity that is flowing through me right now. I don’t have to beat myself for my past mistakes and behavior. I can choose peace and kindness. I can choose to  live in harmony. Harmony is a word I reflected on a lot last night. How am I living in harmony? Why am I always talking about things that don’t have anything to do with building harmony at all?

I’ve been reading The Green Witch: Your Complete Guide to the Natural Magic of Herbs, Flowers, Essential Oils, and More by Arin Murphy-Hiscock. I’m contemplating following a different path in life. From The Green Witch,  I gathered ” the concepts of healing, harmony, and balance are all key to the green witch’s practice and outlook on life.” One of the points that stood out for me on page 16 was “the modern green witch understands that humanity impacts the natural world, not only through how individuals treat it, but also via the energy created by their feelings and beliefs. It goes  on to say that “just as nature’s energy affects us, so too does our energy affect nature, and that effect isn’t always positive.” I started asking myself what type of energy am I bringing to the world. Why do I gossip? Why do I bring anger? Why do I bring sadness? What choices am I making to solve the problems I encounter at home and at work?

green witch

One thing that I told myself that I need to get a hold of is not using positive energy for validation from others, but I need to use it to help others. I need to help the environment around me. I have to learn to improve my surroundings.  I also need to overcome depression. A big part of the reason why I don’t have any energy is because of my attitude and not taking power over the things I can control.

While I was angry and frustrated at work, I could have took my mugs and teas to work to calm my energy. I could have prepared a healthy lunch to boost my energy. I could have chosen to focus on my work instead of gossip at the office. I could have looked for things to improve at work. I could have pulled out a coloring book or a journal and wrote down a few notes to keep myself going.

I sat there and decided to sit in pain for hours. Pain was all I received.

I’m going to take better control of my moods at work.

Here’s a list I’m going to tackle:

  1. create a journal
  2. drink tea to improve mood
  3. study a subject or read over books while at the desk
  4. make a to-do list
  5. focus on projects at hand
  6. stop gossiping and don’t follow gossip
  7. where clothes that help you identify with nature and happiness
  8. be compassionate
  9. have empathy
  10. focus on the good around you
  11. be grateful

Finding my way home: depression and crafts


I’ve been missing from my blog for months. I had a lot of emotions bottled up inside of me, but I wasn’t sure how to write about what I was feeling and how to express myself. You ever feel like you want to do something, but you can’t bring yourself to focus and actually start working?  That’s how I was  feeling about a lot of activities. I wanted to start, but I couldn’t motivate myself.  There’s another side to it as well. I start, but I can’t finish. I was drowning and no one was going to pull me out of it.

In addition to my regular job, I teach craft classes there as well. I will advise anyone, don’t mix what you love with your job. What you love can become toxic. Losing momentum has been on ongoing problem for me. No matter how positive I try to be about life, there’s this constant feeling of drowning. I just wasn’t having fun. I wasn’t motivated to craft. What was bringing me peace, started to make me depressed. It hasn’t always been that way. I didn’t started feeling depression until  down the road when I started teaching classes in quilting, sewing, and other craft related things. Back in January, I was so depressed that I wanted to give up showing anyone how to make anything in general. At one point, I hated that I even bothered trying to teach. What was once therapy for me was starting to become something that I hated. I wasn’t inspired. It was hard to keep up. I was struggling trying to meet the demands of my job.


quilts 3

It’s taken months of soul searching. I can’t see myself fully right now. I can’t see where I’m going sometimes. It’s a dangerous feeling. I try to take it easy on myself.  Many times, you are left alone trying to figure out how you are ever going to get back to some sense of normality. I’m trying to find my way home.

Searching for home has many different meanings for me. It means finding that place of joy and peace. Home has all the things you love and more. Finishing may last quilt gave me a feeling that I found my way home again. it brought me peace to know that I finally completed a quilt. I did something. Yes, I went through a very rough time in my life, but I was able to overcome that feeling, and I completed my quilt project.



I’m going to be ok


All I want on a cold, fall day is his strong arms around me, telling me that everything will be ok. One thing that I can’t seem to get out of my head is how much I long for a love of my own.  Last week, I spent a Saturday exploring the West Loop on my own. As I visited each restaurant, I kept telling myself that I could do this on my own. I wasn’t alone. I was on a tour with various people who weren’t from the Chicago area. Being around other people made me feel like I was alone, Many of them were couples both old and young. There I was alone trying to figure out how to make life on my own work.


There was a time when being single didn’t take that much work. That feeling for me only lasted 6 months. It wasn’t because I was done with romance or that I had plenty of romance. It was a moment in time where my mind wasn’t complicated by many people’s expectations.

My life at 32 suddenly is so lonely that I’m forcing myself to leave the house. Well, I’ve always been lonely. My close friends who accept me for all my faults and ways live so far away. I miss them dearly. I think about them in the back of my head. I know they would be proud of me for not shutting myself away from life. With that in mind, I kept going and I completed my first Chicago Food Network Tour.

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It felt lonely, but I did my best to focus on making myself happy, taking pictures, and enjoying the food. There are many books on how to be single and love yourself, but the hard part is putting the suggestions and practices to work.


When you first start, you are going to want to run back home to what you know, even if what you know is not good for you. The important thing is to keep going. I’m hoping that this feeling of uneasiness will fade as I continue on this journey of exploring life on my own.

I have to tell myself that I will be ok. It’s the only way.


So Long, Summer



I woke up one September morning this month, asking myself where did summer go. I allowed so much of the summer season to pass me by.  I spent so much time battling  a respiratory illness, fighting against hot weather, and being irritable that I didn’t seem to enjoy it so much.

It’s so easy to get distracted by challenges instead of seeing them as opportunities to build strength.  I found it hard to stay focus living in a house without an air-conditioner for almost a month. Yes, it was unbearable at times.  The weather in Chicago was stifling. I could barely take it at the time. I spent a whole month literally complaining about how miserable I felt.


However, there’s one thing that continues to calm me no matter the season. Displays! I love creating displays. If I had one job in life it would be to spend time just creating displays. I’m hardly an expert. I certainly don’t follow all the rules on graphic design best practices. I don’t intentionally break rules, but I just learn as I go. I just try to build off what I learned from previous display makings. It’s a challenge, but overtime you just learn what works and what doesn’t work.


I would like to share a summer display I did back during the  summer of  2017. Last year, I purchased a Cricut Explore Air 2. It’s an electronic cutter that you can use to enhance your paper crafts, home decor, and sewing life.  I also recently upgraded to a Cricut Maker. The machines make creating displays such a joy because I no longer have to cut everything by hand.  My poor hands aren’t always great making perfect cuts with scissors. I try to use my my electronic cutter when I have the time and opportunity.


I also used the software called Inkscape. It’s free open source software you can download on your computer to create all types of designs for greeting cards, icons, logos, T-shirts, and etc. It’s comparable to Adobe Illustrator and it didn’t hurt my pockets.

I learned how to use Inkscape to create vectors that can be uploaded in Cricut Design Space. Cricut has it’s on software. When you buy a Cricut machine, you will have access to their software and their digital files and projects. All you need is a working email address to create an account. Like all new things it takes time learning, but once you complete a few practice projects, you will enjoy making all sorts of crafty things.


I don’t mean to hurt your eyes with the brightness from my library display I created for a previous branch I worked at last year. I used vector cuts from Cricut as well as stock photos from 123RF (girls dancing), Totally Jamie (hot air balloon)  Jenni Bowlin Stamps ( girl with kite), and Ray Ban ( sunglasses). I also have a alphabet punch from We R Memory Keepers to make the letters. It’s a great tool you can carry with you on the go if you need to make letters at your desk or office.  I crafted the bow myself as an embellishment.


You might have notice that I also tend to use a lot of flowers and  paper. If you don’t have color ink at your job you can use pattern paper, flowers, and other embellishments to create color for displays. I always tell people to use what you have on hand. There are times, I use greeting cards and magazines to create letters and embellishments.


Don’t worry about perfection. Displays are created to bring personality to a place and get people to pay attention to a service or product. For practice, think about an old forgotten space at home and make it into something new.


P.S. I had a little fun sewing the cat pouch!





Knitting Tips for Beginners


One of my motivations for knitting would have to be my love of scarves. Summers are great for live music, festivals, food, and fireworks. However, the cooler months in the Midwest are dear to my heart. Starting in late September or early October, I can’t leave the house without at scarf. I love going all out in stylish large sweaters, jewel tone tops, and brown booties. It’s my favorite part of the year where I like to get very crafty making table runners, placemats, and baby size quilts.


When I first started learning how to knit, I envisioned myself learning how to knit a scarf. Knitting a scarf is a great beginner project. In order to knit a scarf, you only have to learn two basic stitches and those are called “knit” and “purl.” You also have to learn how to cast on at the very beginning and later bind off at the very end. The longer you practice, the easier starting and finishing a project becomes. At the beginning, my fingers were very sore, and it seemed almost impossible that I was going to make anything. I was watching Craftsy and YouTube before work, at lunch, in my car. It just seemed as if I wasn’t getting it, but the more I tried through the first two weeks, the better I became at forming stitches. Eventually, I was knitting everywhere. It was an activity I did to keep my mind focus. Knitting results in something tangible where you could actually see your progress. I ended up making three scarves that season. My creations weren’t perfect, but I couldn’t believe myself after a while.

A few helpful things I learned along the way helped me on my knitting journey.

knitting work

1. Start off with knitting with  bulky or worsted weight yarn
As a beginner, I Iearned very quickly that my little fingers were not ready for the pretty lace, finger, sport, or novelty yarn. It was hard to pass up the gorgeous indie dyed yarn, I would see on Etsy, but I just wasn’t ready at first. And, then I jumped right into knitting with curly yarn and somehow I made it. I recommend finding a medium worsted weight yarn or bulky weight yarn to start your first project. Also you want to the yarn itself to have the same texture all the way throughout. Stay away from novelty yarn for your first project. Sometimes novelty yarn, can be too curly making it hard to see your stitches. Bulky weight yarn knits up fast and you can also see your stitches better. I find it easier to see my mistakes before I get too far in my project.

knittting works 2


2. Purchase wood or bamboo Needles
In my experience I was dropping stitches very easily with aluminum needles. They seemed so slippery when I first started knitting. I knit better and have better results with wood or bamboo needles. The wood needles are much more steady making it easier for you to concentrate on knitting accurate stitches. If you are daring and want to use a novelty yarn that’s a bit curly it’s easier to make the stitches with wooden needles.

3. Don’t toss your yarn labels in the trash
Yarn labels are very important. The yarn labels contain the weight of the yarn, the knitting gauge, washing instructions, and drying instructions.

4. Buy enough yarn for your project
Purchase the yarn you need for the project that day. You want to make sure that you get the exact color you need for your project. If you return to the store later looking for the same yarn, the same color could possibly be there, but the color might be slightly different from the yarn you purchased with your project earlier because it’s not of the same dye lot. I hate to run out of yarn when I’m enjoying a project. For me I always purchase extra yarn. To some it might seem wasteful, but it’s just better to be safe and have enough, then to be running around in panic mode trying to think of steps to finish your project.

5. Visit your local yarn shop
It’s important to visit your local yarn shop because the yarn shop owners can provide helpful information to you while you are on your knitting journey. Yarn shop owners are experts. They know yarn because many of them have been knitting for over 10 years or more. They can be very helpful at making suggestions. Many of them offer services such as helping you get started on project or helping you when you are stuck on a project. Most local yarn shops offer classes which leads to you meeting other knitters.

knitting work 3

6. Make friends with knitters
The first person who helped me learn how to cast on my first stitches was a friend who knitted on and off.  She helped me as much as she could getting my fingers together.
Meeting other people who knit gives you a sense of community. Join a knitting circle or make friends through social networking. I remember when I first started knitting, and I posted photos of my progress on Instagram. My projects weren’t perfect, but I received support from people I didn’t know online. The encouragement kept me going.

7. Stitch Markers

How could I almost forget? Yes, purchase stitch markers for your knitting. There have been several times when I started knitting and I didn’t use stitch markers. I regretted each time. Stitch makers are a must. They come in handy when you are trying to learn a new pattern or when you need to remember when to make a particular stitch. Keep some stitch markers in your knitting bag. You never know when you might get interrupted in the middle of knitting.

I hope my tips prove to be helpful to you.  It’s ok to be ambitious. Try new  patterns. Grow! After awhile you are going to get bored with garter stitch. Create your very own knitting journey.

Share the Love: Quilting

quilt stuff

I learn that its best to just make the effort in life. I’ve been very sick lately with an upper respiratory infection, and the  hardest part is trying to find relief during the mornings and late nights. For the past two weeks, I just haven’t been able to get enough sleep due to the amount of coughing and pain I’ve been in. My chest and back were so sore that at one point I couldn’t turn or lift things. Sleeping became very painful. I’ve been to the doctor twice. I’m on several cold and allergy medications, but it’s becoming very tiresome which depleted my energy.  During the day, I feel nervous leaving me on edge with no appetite at times.

This past Tuesday,  I had a little energy to make it to work. It was the only day I could make it to work. There were plenty of emails waiting for me after the Memorial Weekend. I still have programs to plan for work. I had my water, soup, and meds nearby. I would cough so bad that I was losing my voice. The coughing would send me into these instant panic attacks. Just trying to make it in and out of the store was a challenge. However,  in the back of my mind, I knew there was something that I had to do.


I carried  a quilting book with me. The quilting book is called, The Splendid Sampler: 100 Spectacular Blocks from a Community of Quilters by Jane Davidson and Pat Sloan.  I wanted to loan the book to someone in a quilting group at the local church I partnered with nearby my job. A huge part of quilting and the quilting community is sharing.  Quilter share techniques, tools, fabric, and etc. The Splendid Sampler is a great book for quilters who want to learn new techniques and quilt blocks.


I was so busy during the fall season last year that I didn’t have enough time to practice sewing at home. I was going through a transitional phase in my life between jobs. I figured it was time for me to share the book with someone else. Someone else could be making pretty quilt blocks while I get my personal life back to normal.

I sure did enjoy playing with fabric during that time. I remember going through a whole learning process just to piece together one block. After that I ended up making several of the same blocks. The fabric featured in the photos is  from Katarina Roccella’s line called Lavish for Art Gallery Fabrics.




But, enough about my love of fabric…That Tuesday, I couldn’t do any serious outreach for work, but I got in my car during lunch and decided to pay  the quilting group a visit. I didn’t have to stay, but I needed to get out. When I arrived there, the chairperson of the quilting ministry said she wanted to meet me. She said she’s been seeing me around and she wanted to support our library’s quilting group. She knew that I had partnered with the quilting instructor, but she also wanted to help us.

It was something about that moment made me feel good. I think it big part of it was finding community and being apart of a quilting social group. For the longest, I’ve been struggling trying to learning quilting on my own. It’s great to finally share my joy with others.

Super Cute Kawaii Mug Rugs


For over two years, I spent a lot of time in an area of my life that made me completely miserable. I cried out for a very longtime. I was isolated, and I didn’t have the support that I needed at the time to handle things well. I would curse, and cry out in anger. I would think of ways to call off work. I would get to the work parking lot and then consider leaving early. I was in a unhappy state in my life. I was slowly spiraling out of control.

Throughout that time period, I watched as people walked away from me. I guess I was a reminder of what they didn’t want to become. Through that lonely phase of my life, I did have my little sewing time. I wasn’t a very skilled sewist. Mostly, I didn’t collect a lot of patterns. I basically would find ideas on Instagram, and I would go to YouTube to figure out how to make them. One of the cute ideas  I discovered was making mug rugs.

Mug rugs are these cute little patches of fabric that help you hold your coffee or a warm bowl of soup. They are similar to coasters. They don’t take a whole lot of fabric to make. I would go through my small fabric collection to find cute combinations to patch up.

My interest in quilting helped me get the motivation to start. It’s a small creative project that can be completed in a short time period. I felt pretty accomplished at the end. I didn’t bind them, mostly because I struggled with binding at the time. However,  I had a fun time making them before work or during the evening.

Making mug rugs with kawaii-like fabric  brings me joy. I love all things cute. I like being around cute things. One of the first things I did when I started sewing was collecting a lot of fabric that was cute, but didn’t make sense.


I had these lovely ideas to take my favorite fabric and makes these little novelty mug rugs. The fabric matching didn’t make sense to some, but to me it screamed joy. My favorite fabric including prints featuring unicorns, cats, and cupcakes.

cats loveBefore I could give them away. My mom told me she would like to have one of my mug rugs. She took it to work with her and a co-worker asked about them. I flirted with the idea of making many more and perhaps selling them one day, but I needed to come up with better techniques I thought to myself.  I’m always this super perfectionist about things that you shouldn’t have to fuss about.

Overall, I really enjoy the idea of mug rugs. I certainly enjoyed making them while trying to beat the increasing frustration that I tackled during a bad period of my life. They make great gifts. The combinations that one can come up with are endless.


Craft your way out of the rejection spirit


Several years ago, I was the cute single girl who couldn’t find a date. Despite all my accomplishments in life, people were puzzled as to why I never had a date or a serious relationship. I think my singleness made people uncomfortable based on their reactions. Did I have a secret? Was I a lonely and bitter person? The truth was that I was painfully shy around men. I’m very much afraid of men. I don’t think I ever grew out of it. I don’t think I ever really faced why I’m afraid of men in the first place? Why can’t I behave naturally around men. Why is it easier for me to talk to some men more than others?


Like most people, I have feelings. I could be afraid, but I would like to be loved too someday. I realize that my behavior has played a role in why I’m still single. As I grew older, I would develop crushes. I believe crushes are these comical things that start off very  innocent, yet end painfully. Sometimes, I wonder if having a crush is a way to hide behind going after what one truly wants in life.  The idea of having a crush sets you up for failure at times. I put a lot of time in admiring those who showed no admiration for me. I would get so depressed and hide in self-pity. I kept repeating to myself that no one would ever love me. The truth was that I kept finding crushes to hide behind my fears. Having a crush is safe because it allows one to not have to do any work in actually being in a relationship. Instead, I would sit around and complain about being unloved. Life was passing me by. When it happens, I had to learn to pick up the pieces and move on. I was missing too much of life. I wasn’t developing new relationships.


I remember looking from corner to corner one night. I remember being downtown after 9 p.m. one day on a cold winter’s night. “Where is the love of my life?” That question popped in my head. “Why did I have to wait those cold evenings alone?  Can someone  out there just be there for me?”

What disturbed me more was that I was feeling sorry for myself? There are plenty of women who are single? I bet they aren’t sitting around feeling sorry for themselves? If you have to spend Tuesday nights getting by alone downtown, then so be it. Deal with it, I told myself.

I looked within and I told myself that I would have to be strong. There will be times when you will feel like you are the loneliest person in the world. It hurts so much. But, I told myself that I would work on my crafts. My maker life seemed very exciting to me. It was a positive aspect of my life. I made up my mind that I would focus on it.

table runner

I would study, experiment, and learn through the early mornings and late nights. I would push myself even when I didn’t feel like going any further. I would keep busy even when I found my mind slipping to a place that reminded me of how lonely and undesirable I felt in life. I learned years ago that what I focus on is what I will become.

There are days for dealing with your feelings and then there are other days when you have to get the motivation to get moving with your life. As painful as it was I had to find something to occupy my mind. I remember crafting my ways through quilt blocks, failing my way through quilt blocks, and ultimately improving upon my failures. I remember feeling happy and satisfied when I learned a new skills. There was this feeling. It’s a feeling you get that after so many failures you find the answer to the idea you develop sometime ago. I started regaining my confidence.



When you can’t seem to take your mind off of rejection, focus on how you can create your own happiness. What can you create to make your life a little easier? What beauty do you want to see in life? What life do you want to craft for yourself? I remember creating several projects last year. Some good and some bad. However,  the point was that I was determined to keep moving forward. I’m not saying that crafting is a remedy for everything. What I’m saying is that you shouldn’t be afraid to start investing in your own self-confidence. Build a little bit of yourself each day. Get out of the depths of darkness.