Craft your way out of the rejection spirit

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Several years ago, I was the cute single girl who couldn’t find a date. Despite all my accomplishments in life, people were puzzled as to why I never had a date or a serious relationship. I think my singleness made people uncomfortable based on their reactions. Did I have a secret? Was I a lonely and bitter person? The truth was that I was painfully shy around men. I’m very much afraid of men. I don’t think I ever grew out of it. I don’t think I ever really faced why I’m afraid of men in the first place? Why can’t I behave naturally around men. Why is it easier for me to talk to some men more than others?

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Like most people, I have feelings. I could be afraid, but I would like to be loved too someday. I realize that my behavior has played a role in why I’m still single. As I grew older, I would develop crushes. I believe crushes are these comical things that start off very  innocent, yet end painfully. Sometimes, I wonder if having a crush is a way to hide behind going after what one truly wants in life.  The idea of having a crush sets you up for failure at times. I put a lot of time in admiring those who showed no admiration for me. I would get so depressed and hide in self-pity. I kept repeating to myself that no one would ever love me. The truth was that I kept finding crushes to hide behind my fears. Having a crush is safe because it allows one to not have to do any work in actually being in a relationship. Instead, I would sit around and complain about being unloved. Life was passing me by. When it happens, I had to learn to pick up the pieces and move on. I was missing too much of life. I wasn’t developing new relationships.

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I remember looking from corner to corner one night. I remember being downtown after 9 p.m. one day on a cold winter’s night. “Where is the love of my life?” That question popped in my head. “Why did I have to wait those cold evenings alone?  Can someone  out there just be there for me?”

What disturbed me more was that I was feeling sorry for myself? There are plenty of women who are single? I bet they aren’t sitting around feeling sorry for themselves? If you have to spend Tuesday nights getting by alone downtown, then so be it. Deal with it, I told myself.

I looked within and I told myself that I would have to be strong. There will be times when you will feel like you are the loneliest person in the world. It hurts so much. But, I told myself that I would work on my crafts. My maker life seemed very exciting to me. It was a positive aspect of my life. I made up my mind that I would focus on it.

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I would study, experiment, and learn through the early mornings and late nights. I would push myself even when I didn’t feel like going any further. I would keep busy even when I found my mind slipping to a place that reminded me of how lonely and undesirable I felt in life. I learned years ago that what I focus on is what I will become.

There are days for dealing with your feelings and then there are other days when you have to get the motivation to get moving with your life. As painful as it was I had to find something to occupy my mind. I remember crafting my ways through quilt blocks, failing my way through quilt blocks, and ultimately improving upon my failures. I remember feeling happy and satisfied when I learned a new skills. There was this feeling. It’s a feeling you get that after so many failures you find the answer to the idea you develop sometime ago. I started regaining my confidence.

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When you can’t seem to take your mind off of rejection, focus on how you can create your own happiness. What can you create to make your life a little easier? What beauty do you want to see in life? What life do you want to craft for yourself? I remember creating several projects last year. Some good and some bad. However,  the point was that I was determined to keep moving forward. I’m not saying that crafting is a remedy for everything. What I’m saying is that you shouldn’t be afraid to start investing in your own self-confidence. Build a little bit of yourself each day. Get out of the depths of darkness.

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I wasn’t always a maker

I haven’t always been a maker, but I always had the desire to create things. I would see people making cakes, dresses, and accessories, but it was someone else’s life. No matter how many blogs or magazines I clipped through, it still wasn’t my life. What was stopping me? Why did I have such a negative outlook on life?

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When we are young, we often receive a lot of negative messages from life.  We become sensitive to what we hear. I was constantly reminded that I was bad at math, awkward, and possessed very little mechanical skills. At the time, I didn’t know what it really meant to have mechanical skills, but I took that to meant that I wasn’t efficient at working with my hands. But, the problem was that people didn’t explain to me that it was a set of skills you have to acquire overtime. When I didn’t quite understand new concepts I was called stupid or slow.  People just moved me out of the way. I was use to people moving me out of the way instead of giving me the chance to solve problems. It made me very anxious. Why was everyone expecting me to learn everything so fast?

 

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I was also told that I lacked hand-eye coordination. It made me laugh at times. I remember when  my mom enrolled me in ballet and tap dance classes. I believe she was trying to motivate me, but  it only made me feel isolated.  It took me a lot longer to get things, and eventually, the instructor told my mom that I had to drop down to a lower level class. It was like that with a lot of things. I was always trying to catch up.

My mom might have been proud of me. However, when you leave home, life has a way of humbling you.  I struggled with everything including  athletics, math, cooking, driving, dancing, dating, and meeting people. Some of my family members grew weary and they didn’t know if I could handle things on my own. It got to the point where they wanted my younger sister to look after me. I would grow angry at times. I was four years older than my sister. Why did I need her to look after me?

I don’t know how it all started, but I was struggling in life. I would stay up all night trying to figure out how I was going to make it. I know that in  high school, I received the help that I needed academically. I learned how to study, and I was able to graduate. But, in other areas I was following behind my peers. It took me longer, but I eventually, I went on to finish college.

However, I continued to hear things while I worked in my field. It was mostly about how anxious and too overly sensitive I was for the job. I struggled in my professional life. I can’t say it was one job, but it was a combination of feeling inadequate  and going home feeling down about my shortcomings. At the end of my twenties, I decided that I wanted more out of life. I was tired of working the way others wanted me to work. I was tired of living by someone else’s rules and standards.

(I didn’t quit my day job, but I did start looking for the  opportunity to give myself a part-time job.)

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I’m not sure what happened or what triggered it exactly, but I started doing research on hair bow making in October 2016. I didn’t have any kids of my own, but I just kept watching videos on people giving tips on how to make hair bows, and  I was fascinated. As I was watching, I kept hearing the word “sew.” I knew that I wanted to learn how to make hair bows, but I also wondered if I could learn how to sew. I thought I was going crazy. I was fearful because I’ve never really taken the time to actually make something. How would I learn how to sew? How could a buy a sewing machine?  What am I doing? I was very nervous, but at the same time I wanted my very own sewing machine. I kept wondering how I was going to make it happen and then I did. After reading various blogs, I decided to purchase my first sewing machine from Amazon. It was a Janome 2212. I also started going shopping two or three times a week, buying supplies and getting started on my new journey.

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The first few weeks were challenging. Unlike anything else I ever did, I didn’t care. That’s when I knew that I found my passion. I was struggling, but I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to learn. I suddenly didn’t care about what people thought. I had ideas, and I wanted to pursue them.

Today, I feel motivated. I still struggle with bouts of depression, but I feel like I have a blessing that will keep me going. It was something about buying my first machine and turning material into an object that gave me the confidence to keep going. Can you believe that today I actually own two sewing machines, and I’ve also been teaching myself to knit? I never thought I would be someone who sewed or knit after work. I’m blessed. I thank God everyday for not allowing me to give up on myself when I really wanted to.

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I apologize that my blog is too personal, but I had to share this part of my personal life with you all because I want people to know that there is hope. You don’t have to come from a perfect life or have this perfect background to pursue your goals in life. You are capable of  success. and anything you put your mind to today.