It’s my first post for the year 2018, and I can’t believe I’ve been away from my blog for so long. I started a new job back in December 2017. I’ve been feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Have you ever been in a negative situation for a few years and when you get out of the negative situation you feel as if you will never be comfortable again?
For the past two years, I spent a lot of time looking for signs of love and happiness. I looked for friendship and kindness when there was anger. I searched for empathy when there was spite. When I thought I discovered something great, it would eventually slip out of my hands. Just look for signs, I told myself. Let’s see how all these obstacles line up for my good. I later decided that the safest way to live was to not have such high expectations. I would be gracious, but in the back of my mind I would try not to show how hurt I was from inside. I want to be confident, but after all that has happened I don’t know if people want what I necessarily have to offer. I sometimes doubt my abilities because I can hear previous voices and visualize previous experiences. I know what it is like to fail, and I know what it is like to be alone while failing. What really hurts is when people sit around and watch you struggle. What I’ve learned is that as long as I know how to find the right resources, depending on people is not something I have to do in life. I can survive the struggle on my own. I don’t need who I thought I needed.
However, my faith in God and my love of crafting keep me motivated. God is someone I continue to depend on even when I look for beauty and sometimes see ugliness. There are going to be times when I don’t feel like myself. When I find myself feeling overwhelmed I try to train myself to think about God, family, friends, and my hobbies. It’s very challenging. But, I’m determined to come out successful through this new experience in 2018. I know that things aren’t perfect, but if I can take my mind off of the negative things, then my perspective on life will improve.
One thing I find myself indulging in lately is mindless sewing. I’ll cut strips of fabric and create a rail fence mini quilt. I’ll purchase pre-cuts of 5′ squares and make a baby quilt. Sometimes, the stress from work and this feeling of guilt and shame takes over. I have no choice, but to focus my mind on other things. I spend nights learning how to make new quilt blocks. Through the steady cutting, pressing, and sewing material together, I find peace. It’s hard work, but its good work that strengthens me.
The quilt project I’ve been working on lately is my little red riding hood quilt. I love whimsical fabric. It reminds me of being a kid walking into this fairy tale world where anything is possible. Woodland animals, bright colors, and elaborate patterns fill my heart with happiness. I remind myself how blessed I am to be able to come home from a rough day and play with fabric. “It’s a blessing,” I tell myself. It’s a blessing to have a safe place to go to when it seems like your mind can’t find any rest from anywhere else.
There are times you can’t always run to people. During those times, I remind myself that to be still. Find your peace. “Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.”-Psalm 46:10 That scripture takes me back to the present. When I’m away from work, I have a tendency to dwell on it. The truth is that I have a lot to be grateful for in life. Through the years, I plan to stay focus on God and his plans for my life. When it’s hard to stay at ease, I will turn to building a creative life centered around God and joy.