One thing that is important in life is to be your authentic self. I understand that hearing the concept “authentic self” has become cliché. But, I can’t stress enough how important it is to be true to yourself and have your own identity. Hiding your true self and living in shame can lead to major depression.
I have never truly lived an authentic life. Since I was a little girl, I lived my life for others always in a state of constant people pleasing, looking for answers, and seeking validation. I am very confused and conflicted which leads to a lot of shame and guilt. I never really trust my own thoughts. My needs or desires often conflicted with the world around me. Deep down there’s this sense of shame and guilt. There’s this fear of being punished by God or doing things that could disappoint my family or leaving behind a trail that could follow and hurt me.
I remember when I was in my late teens and until the end of my 20s desiring to go out and have fun with friends. The main problem I had a the time was that I didn’t have a car. I expressed interests in wanting to take the bus, but I was told that it was dangerous. When I finally learned to get my license and drive, I was told that I wasn’t ready to get on the expressways. I guess I should have continued on. I wasn’t very confident in my driving. I was very fearful. I had a bad sense of direction often having to map out places before I ever visited them. My parking skills were terrible at the time to and I was scared again about where to park and it led to this endless struggle of always having to map out places in my head. At the time, I just assumed I lacked the skills to survive in the big city. I could be right. Maybe I did actually lack skills. I didn’t have the life skills I needed to thrive. Or, maybe I am thriving in other ways and just don’t realize it.
I remember wanting so desperately to find a boyfriend. I wonder why that was all these years. Could it be that I didn’t think I was strong to handle life on my own? Was I looking for someone to take care of me? I never had a serious relationship and I wonder if the universe was teaching me all these years that I could hold my own in society.
I share some of these ideas because I think one of the reasons why people can’t be their authentic selves is because their confidence and self-esteem is takes hits much earlier in life. Sometimes, those closet to us mean well, but they don’t know how to express their love so it can lead to toxic ideas in parenting. Sometimes, people are dealing with their own fears and they project them on us. It’s hard to be authentic and you aren’t comfortable and confident enough, and the only way to build confidence is to try and try harder consistently.
I only at the beginning of getting personal about journey through this realization of leading a life that is inauthentic and full of shame. At this current time, I’m living with severe anxiety and depression. My whole bedroom is covered in junk. I can barely function and get through work. I feel like I’m barely holding in a pandemic that is so relentless.
The truth is that I don’t know how I am sometimes or I know who I am and I’m ashamed of it. I can’t be my true self where I am at. I can only reveal myself to a few people. One thing I know for sure is that people who do break through shame seem to move to a more healthy emotional state. They no longer have to hide or pretend. It’s almost like the universe opens up and they being to attract more positive outcomes. I know everything isn’t perfect for them. Yes, they still have problems. One thing for sure is that they get to live a life on their terms and they aren’t carrying such a heavy burden of shame.
Sunflowers and Green Tea 